


When You're Fallen in the Forest and Nobody's Around do You Ever Really Crash or Even Make a Sound?

by Insomniac_with_dreams



Series: The Google Docs Dump Fanfics [14]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Dehydration, Desert, Hurt/Comfort, Injury, Insanity, Keith (Voltron)-centric, M/M, Pre-Canon, Sad, Starvation, Suicidal Keith (Voltron), The 'tug' is the blue lion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-27
Updated: 2020-02-27
Packaged: 2021-02-28 03:14:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,948
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22916815
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Insomniac_with_dreams/pseuds/Insomniac_with_dreams
Relationships: Keith/Lance (Voltron)
Series: The Google Docs Dump Fanfics [14]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1609384
Comments: 9
Kudos: 77





	When You're Fallen in the Forest and Nobody's Around do You Ever Really Crash or Even Make a Sound?

Keith climbed. The sandstone scraping against his hands, scuffing his boots, leaving residual white powder on the black of his uniform pants. He didn’t care though. He was simply focused on reaching the highest point on the towering rock. He didn’t care if he fell, and no one else would either. Everyone was gone, he’d lost everyone.

The pads of his fingers burned from where the rock had rubbed them dry. The sun beat down on his back and head. His tangled hair sticking with sweat to his neck, he should cut it off. He was slowly but surely running out of hand and foot holds, and as he did he became more desperate to get higher. He was running and he knew he was he realized that. Running from the Garrison. From the reality that Shiro was gone, from his dad's old storage shack that he claimed as home. From the incessant tugging in his gut that he couldn't explain. The pull in his brain that was driving him insane. He was running, but he couldn't get far enough away. 

The shack still sat below him on the blistering desert ground. The fact that he had destroyed everything that Shiro had helped him build leered at him from the dark recesses of his brain. The fact that Shiro was gone sat like a rock in his rib cage.The pull the tug the call, it drove him mad. Like an itch he couldn’t get to. A constant buzzing that had woken him up from his fitful sleep the night before.

He heaved himself over the ledge finally. The top of the rock was smooth and dry, but there was evidence water pooled in the indents of the rocks during monsoon season. He stood the height not deterring him, nor the fact that he scaled a near vertical wall to get where he was. He stared out over the desert, Refusing to look behind himself to when the Garrison gleaned artificially in the sun, or down where his shack sat. He watched the expansive plains and the endless browns and ruddy reds. He heaved a breath and yelled as loud as he could as long as he could. It bounced off the walls of surrounding rocks and then was eaten by the desert. It was almost as if he had made no noise at all. He yelled louder falling to his knees, tugging at his hair, letting the unforgiving sun burn into his back, and the unyielding surface of the rock dig into his knees.

He stayed up there until the sun was gone and the stars loomed to close for comfort. Until the coyotes cried their own songs and the tug in his heart and mind grew even more persistent. If asked how he got down, he wouldn’t be able to tell you. When asked how he survived the elements he wouldn’t be able to tell you. When asked how he survived the long endless days and night of loneliness, he’d tell you he didn’t. He had died out in the harsh empty land. He had lost himself to the blue sky and demanding ground. He’d driven himself to hysterics trying to understand the pull. He spent nights tugging his hair as it called to him, he spent days climbing the rocks and walking as far as he could towards the horizon. He never got any closer.

It was with a lack of fear that Keith discovered he was out of food. He had forgotten that one day that was bound to happen. He stared at the vacant cabinet with tired unfocused eyes. He didn’t really care, couldn’t find it in himself to. He had water and that was all he needed. Besides it’s not like he could go into town and get anything. The garrison was bound to still be on the lookout for him and there was no way he was going to go back there. He settled on water for breakfast and then went out on his daily walk. 

It barely registered to him when he slipped and started to fall from the rock he was climbing. He simply caught himself and continued on his way. He brushed lizards away from handholds and watched as they squeeze themselves into tiny cracks. He had never been on this side of the rocks. The climb was hard and perilous. He loved it. The sting of dust in his eyes the scrape of sandstone against his palms. The warmth against his knees from the new holes in his Garrison issue pants. Every time he slipped a little too far or was left suspended in the air without a hand or foot hole, it reminded him that he was alive. That the desert hadn’t taken everything from him. That he was human capable of death, of dying. That his mortality was still in tact. He loved the adrenaline, he loved the scare, the what if.What if he didn't catch himself? What if gravity claimed him? What if he died out here? Would anyone care? No one would know, would he actually die? Did it count if no one knew? 

He had to laugh at himself as he perched as close to the edge of the rock as he could. What silly thoughts went through his head. Of course it would count. His heart would cease to pump his brain would cease to function, his bones would be a broken jumble. He would die. He peered down at the ground far, far below him. Inviting him. He could so easily leave this place. This horrible gravity bound existence.

_No._

The voice was so clear it startled him. He looked around but of course nothing, no one was there. It had been so clear, as if someone had spoken right into his ear. He stood and looked far out at the horizon. The wind whipped his dirty hair around his face. The tug was there moving around him anchoring him. He gasped at its intensity. It coiled around him feeling as if it were ready to snap.

“Hello?” His own voice startled him. It was rough sounding like the desert. It echoed down the rock and rolled along the desert ground before being swallowed up. Nothing answered him. He growled in frustration.

“ What do you want from me?! I know you’re out there! What are you?”

No answer. He ran his hands through his hair. He felt like sinking to the ground and crying. Letting the universe see the pain and torment he was experiencing. The terrible maddening loneliness that had plagued him his entire life. The burden of being estranged being strapped to his back for as long as he could remember. He sank to his knees silent tears running down his face. He was so tired the dry wind blew around him, and what a poor excuse for wind it was. Hot and unforgiving digging into his face and raking through his hair.

He might have sat there for minutes, hours, years. He didn’t know, he didn’t care. He might have slept he didn’t know that either, but climbing down was a chore leaving him feeling numb and tired as he drug himself into the shack. He kicked off his boots ignoring the blisters forming on his feet, and threw himself onto the couch. He stripped off his shirt and tossed it across the room, not bothering with his pants. He slept about as well as he expected himself to, he dreamt of falling and blue.

There were people outside of his house. The thought pumped it’s way into his mind and heart sending his blood singing. He silently crawled from the couch and towards the door. He crouched with his knife raised. If it was the garrison he wasn’t going back without a fight.

“ Do you think someone lives here?” Keith nearly made a noise at the voice. How long had it been since he had heard another human voice? It had to be month's.

“ There is no way anyone lives here Hunk. This place looks like it’s about to fall down.” At the sound of the second voice Keith jolted forward as the tugging pulled harshly at his rib cage. He braced a hand on the floor not understanding the want and incessant need to go to that voice.

“ And you want to go in?!” Keith tensed, they were on his porch in front of his door. He stood shakily his heart racing. He didn’t know if it was because of the strangers about to come in, or the pull towards the second speaker.

“Of course I want to go in. We did not bike all the way out here for nothing. If it does fall on us you can blame Pidge for finding it in the first place.”

The doorknob turned and Keith raised his knife higher. It trembled in his grasp and he cursed the pull. The door opened. The sunlight framed the two boys standing staring at him. They couldn’t be much older then Keith was. One was large and let out a shriek when he saw Keith, the other was thinner and pulled back as well. Keith took an unprompted step towards him the pull in his chest drawing him forwards like the pull of a magnet. Keith grit his teeth and dug in his heels standing his ground despite the ringing in his ears and his body screaming at him to _go to him._

“Who are you and what are you doing in my house?” They both held up their hands.

“We’re sorry we didn’t know anyone lived here!” The big guy sounded like he was close to crying, “ Please don’t hurt us. Our friend just saw this old place when they were looking at maps and we wanted to explore.”

Keith raised an eyebrow. He finally stepped out of the dark of the interior of the house.

“K-Keith?!” He froze again and brought the knife high again. The tall boy was stepping forward and Keith had to use every ounce of self control to stop himself from stepping up next to him. He growled and the guy stopped advancing, showing Keith his hands.

“What are you doing out here I thought you got expelled?” So they were from the Garrison. Keith glared at him.

“Who are you?” The guy made an affronted noise.

“What do you mean, ‘who are you’?” The guy said taking another step towards Keith.

“I mean I don’t know who you are.” But as he said it a voice in his head cried out in joy.

_It’s him!_ Keith took several steps back raising his knife again. The guy didn’t look scared of him anymore and rolled his eyes.

“ The names Lance.” Lance blinked at him as if expecting him to suddenly remember who he was after months of being alone in the desert. Lance huffed and crossed his arms squinting his eyes at Keith.

“We were in the same class in the garrison? You know, Lance and Keith neck and neck.” And nope still wasn’t ringing a bell. The big guy was looking wearily between the two as Keith looked Lance up and down. Lance threw his arms up and turned to the big guy.

“ He really doesn’t remember who I am. Unbelievable.” The others eyes darted to Keith and then back at Lance.

“ Well you know what? We are trespassing on Keith’s property and I think that we should go.” Lance seemed to only then remember that they were in fact standing in Keith's house. He turned around.

“What are you doing out here? I thought you would’ve gone home or something.” Home. What an odd concept. A lost distant thing that Keith could no longer even create in his mind. The dark little shack was all he had now. Sitting only a few feet from the small sand hill that used to be his father's house.

“This is my home.” Both Lance and the big guy looked around the dusty dark shack. Keith felt defensiveness well up in him.

“And your friend is right. You are trespassing, and I also think you should leave.” Lance met his eyes and the pull tugged Keith closer to him. Lance searched his face a crease between his brow.

“Is anybody taking care of you or checking on you at least?” The question startled Keith and it was such an odd idea that Keith felt a laugh bubble out of his throat.

“ No. Of course not. Besides you now I’m the only one who knows I’m out here, and it had better stay that way. I’m not going back.” Lance winced and Keith couldn’t figure out why. But then his friend was grabbing his arm and pulling him out of the house back towards the bikes that Keith saw parked a ways off. They stepped off the porch and the tug had Keith gasping as it pushed him forward. _Don’t let him leave, please!_ Keith had to bite his tongue to keep himself from calling Lance back. Lance looked back at him as he mounted his bike an odd look on his face, and then they were speeding away. Leaving Keith alone again. 

\------------------------

Over the next couple of days the more Keith thought about it the weirder the whole encounter became. He had spent the first few days paranoid that someone from the Garrison would show up and take him away, or even the police for that matter. He must have looked and sounded crazy, brandishing a knife like that. After a week of nothing Keith returned to his routine. His hunger became so bad after a few days that he spent half the day looking for a rabbit, and eventually gave up and had eaten a lizard instead. It hadn’t been bad.

He sat at the top of one of the many rocks, letting the strong wind tease him with threats of pushing him over the edge. The tug had been acting weird. Some days it had been frantic not letting Keith think of any thing besides it. Making him want to fling himself off the highest thing he could find. Others it was quieter, almost like a gentle purr in the back of his mind. He didn’t know which one confused him more. He kicked his legs thinking about how strange it was that Lance and his friend had shown up at his doorstep. He wasn’t close to the Garrison by any means, they would have had to travel a long time to get out to him. Unless they were using Garrison issued bikes, which in all honesty wasn’t too unbelievable. Still it was weird and it had made Keith a little more crazy to have humans there and then gone so fast. The tug also seemed insistent on getting to Lance which quite frankly horrified Keith.

Storm clouds were gathering and Keith felt giggly childish excitement well up in him. Rain meant a break in the heat and new water. It meant that more animals would come out, which meant Keith might be able to eat something besides lizards. Thunder peeled across the dead earth beneath it, almost like a warning. The first drop fell as Keith jumped down from his descent into the ground. He looked up and smiled for the first time in half a year. His lips cracking from the strain it put on his mouth. He tore his shirt off letting the now pounding rain run in rivulets down his dusty chest. He ran his hands up into his hair shaking it out, letting the rain wash it. He loved the rain and so did the Tug. It danced in him instead of slammed and jumped.

When the ground was silky beneath his feet and his jeans were soaked through he retreated back to the house. He bustled in and shucked his jeans and boxers off. Digging around he found a huge grey shirt with a pocket on the breast. It was perfect he pulled it over his head and settled onto the couch. He listened to the rain pounding his tin roof feeling content for the first time in a long long time. The Tug settled in him and he slumped against the couch eyelids growing heavy. All worries seemed to be washing away with the rain that cleansed the earth. For the time being he forgot that he was alone, that there was something calling him for something he didn’t know, that his brother was dead. It all stilled in his mind, letting the sound of the rain replace it.

Someone banged on his door. He was fully awake in minutes and the way the Tug jumped made him think he knew who it was before he even opened the door, and sure enough there was Lance. Soaked through a clutching backpack and wiping wet hair away from his eyes. Keith stared at him and he stared back.

“What are you doing here?” Keith asked at the same time Lance said,

“ Where are your pants?!” Keith looked down remembering that he was quite literally wearing only a shirt. He shrugged looking back up at lance.

“ They got wet they needed to dry so I took them off.” Lance gaped at him before shaking his head. Water flew off of the strands hitting Keith he stepped back making a face.

“ You never answered my question. What are you doing here?” Lance sighed and peered over Keith’s shoulder into the house.

“Can I come in? It’s freezing out here.” Keith hesitated before stepping aside and letting Lance in. He shuffled past Keith and stood awkwardly in the middle of the living room. Keith closed the door and joined him.

The air was thick and awkward. Keith didn’t know how to be around people anymore. Lance cleared his throat.

“ I know this probably sounds super invasive, but do you have any dry clothes?” Keith blew out a breath and looked around. He went back to the box he had found his shirt in and began to dig through it again. It was full of blankets, (some of which he pulled out and put aside) and baby clothes. But towards the bottom he found an old flannel bathrobe. He pulled it out and showed it to Lance who eyed it before taking it from him.

“ Do you have a bathroom or…” Keith moved a curtain aside to show Lance the tiny space with a toilet behind it. Lance grimaced but squeezed himself into the space. Keith slid the curtain back and got to his feet pacing the living room. The Tug was vibrating softly in his chest. Why was Lance here? Why did he come back? Had Keith gone insane? Was his mind finally broken, was he just imagining him?

He was tempted to rip the curtain aside just to be sure that Lance was still there, but then the curtain was moving aside on it’s own and Lance was stepping out the robe tied tightly around his waist. He looked around self consciously and then froze when Keith met his eyes.

“ You still haven’t answered my question. What are you doing here?” Keith watched Lance twist the strap of his backpack his eyes slipping from Keith’s face around the room. Keith made a low noise in the back of his throat. The presence of another human being, especially this human being was getting his nerves past a point of being able to stand it. Lance’s eyes flew back to his face. Keith didn’t expect him to smile and laugh a blush spreading across his face.

“I’m sorry. I-I just can’t take you seriously when you aren’t wearing pants. I know you were brandishing a knife at me a week ago but you just look so.” Lance paused his bright eyes shining, “ Soft.”

Keith took a step back crossing one arm across his stomach the other one coming down to tug on the hem of his shirt.

“Can you just answer my question I really don’t understand why you are here.” Lance sighed and ran a hand through his hair.

“ I came to check on you. I couldn’t get the fact that you were out here by yourself out of my mind.” Lance looked sheepish and Keith felt taken aback if anything. He was not expecting that.

“Oh. Um that's nice of you.” They stood in awkward silence the thunder the only noise between them. Lance lifted the backpack.

“ I um brought you some stuff.” Keith tilted his head at him and took the bag as it was offered to him. He cautiously unzipped it and peered inside.

There wasn’t much. Two water bottles a bag of jerky with the Garrison signet on it, and at the very bottom Keith felt his heart turn over. Four packs of Cosmic brownies. He dug them out just to hold them to see they were real. They were,they sat heavy in his hands and bumpy as he ran his thumb over the little chocolate candies on the top. He wanted one right now, but eating it so fast felt like a crime.

“Do you like those? I didn’t know what to bring but I had a box so, yeah.” Lance was watching him wide as Keith looked back up at him.

“ Yes I like them. A lot.” Lance beamed and put his hands on his hips.

“Good. You can go ahead and eat them. I don’t mind if I had dinner before coming.” Keith nodded considering the treat in his hand. He didn’t want to eat them but at the same time he did. He swallowed licking his lips and then motioned to the couch.

“ You can sit down I guess if you want.” Lance sat down pulling his legs up. Keith sat down on the other side making sure the shirt covered everything. He opened the little clear package reverently. The chocolate brownie was just as soft and dense as it had been on those long summer days when he and his dad would eat the half priced ones that he would bring back from the grocery store. He couldn’t help the tears that came to his eyes when he smelled it. He made sure to turn away from Lance and bring his hand to his thigh so he would see the tremble it had.

It really was stupid. It really really was. He didn’t remember this boy had spent months alone, and yet here he was bringing him to tears because he brought him his favorite childhood snack. Keith rubbed his wrist under his nose and eyes before turning back to Lance. Who's eyebrows were raised and pressed together, his eyes wide.

“Are you okay?” He said it so softly it scared Keith. Threw him into a vast world of uncertainty. It had been so long, since anyone had asked him that question. He found himself shaking his head before pausing. Lance didn’t mean in general he meant in this moment right now. He gestured clumsily to the treat in his hand and offered a shaky smile. Lance’s eyebrows fell softly.

“Oh. Well I’m glad I brought them then.” They fell into silence and Keith took his first bite. He had to stop himself from making a pathetic noise, finding it hard to swallow past the lump in his throat. The thunder and rain outside acted as a comforting mediator between them. Soothing away any awkwardness from the interaction. Keith ate his brownie, his stomach screaming for something else more substantial, and Lance looked around his house with curious eyes, lacking judgement. Then the last bit of brownie was gone Keith placed the others on the crate that served as a bedside table. Out of his reach and hopefully out of temptations grasp.

“You didn’t have to come back.” Lance looked back over at him and shrugged.

“I know. But I wanted to. I don’t like it when people are alone. What are you doing out here anyways, don’t you have family to go to? Won’t they be wondering where you are?”

Keith swallowed and the chocolate sticking to the top of his mouth suddenly felt more suffocating than comforting.

“I don’t have family. The last of my family went to Kerberose and never came back.” 

Lance opened his mouth and then closed it. Keith could see that he was going to say sorry and Keith appreciated that he didn’t. The words meant nothing, especially coming from someone who truly doesn’t understand.

“I-I didn’t know.” It was Keith’s turn to shrug. He leaned back against the couch dragging one of the blankets closer with his foot. He kicked it up into his lap and spread it out over it.

“ Not many people do know. It’s not your fault.” Lance nodded still looking a little lost in thought.

“What is that?” Keith followed Lance’s finger to where it was pointing to the cork board across the room. The strings connecting things and hanging loose. Keith laughed a little breathlessly. It was odd to him that another human being was seeing his descent into madness so clearly. He couldn’t tell Lance what it was, hardly knew what it was himself.

“I don’t really know, strange stuff comes out of the desert, I was trying to find it.” Lance turned to him completely.

“I’m sorry Keith.”

“For what?” Lance looked down biting his lip before looking up to meet Keith’s eyes again,

“I’m sorry you have to be out here and that I wasn’t the nicest person when you were in school.”

“It’s fine. I didn’t leave because the kids at the Garrison are jerks. I mean they are but I really couldn’t care less. Besides,” Keith smiled at him.

“You brought me brownies, and anyone who does that is okay in my book.”

Lance turned a pretty shade of pink which Keith snorted at. It was quite ridiculous that anyone would get flustered by Keith, especially now. Keith studied him and reached out unable to stay his hand, and brushed it along Lance’s shoulder. The tug seemed to wake up and jump at the soft contact. Lance sucked in a breath and met Keith’s eyes. Wonder crossing his face.

“You are so strange.” Keith flinched and leaned back. Lance waved his hands around.

“ I didn’t mean strange in a bad way. I don’t want you to stop touching me.” Lance paused and cringed to himself, and then sighed.

“I meant I’ve never met someone like you. There’s just something about you that I can’t fully grasp. There’s nothing wrong with that.”

Keith swallowed the odd feeling rising up his throat trying to calm his racing heart beat.

“Oh.” Lance nodded and looked away. Keith didn’t want that.

“What’s your favorite color?” Lance looked at him again and Keith felt relief flood him when he saw the smile on Lance’s face.

“You want to know what my favorite color is?” Keith folded his arms over his chest.

“Well kind of, but I mostly just want to keep talking to you, and that's the first icebreaker I could think of.”

Lance laughed but nodded.

“Okay. I’ll indulge you. I really like all colors but I think my favorite has got to be blue.”

Keith smiled and the tug swelled in him. Pride. Was it proud of him or Lance? He didn’t know but at the moment that was what he was feeling. The question was thrown back at him and the two dissolved into a flurry of questions and random facts about themselves. The rain stopped and the sun peeked out from behind the clouds. Lance looked out the window at the drying world.

“ I need to go Keith. Thank you for letting me stay and you know, not gutting me.” Keith felt himself deflate a little. He knew that Lance would have to leave at some point he had a life and people to get back to. Keith nodded getting up when Lance stood. He slipped back into the little alcove and changed back into the semi dry clothes he had come in. Keith handed him the now empty backpack when he got out. Lance handed him back the robe.

Keith walked out to the bike with Lance. The cool air nipped at his exposed legs, but he couldn’t find it in himself able to care. The sky was a wash of shadow and light and the residual smell of rain brought Keith peace.

Keith didn’t say anything as Lance mounted his bike, but then again neither did Lance so it was fine. Then he was gone, almost without a trace the wet dirt staying put even when the bike passed over it. Lance looked back and raised his hand in a wave. Keith raised his hand as well.

\-----------------------------

  
  


Keith figured out that he wasn’t all that bad a rationing. The jerky lasted a lot longer than he thought it would. There had only been about fifteen pieces and by the time the end of the month rolled around he still had ten pieces left. He didn’t know if that was good or not. He forgot to eat for days on end, and would only notice when he was unable to walk or climb as far. Then he would sigh and eat something. Half the time it didn’t stay down, his stomach no longer accepted food the way it was supposed to.

Keith expected Lance to come back. Until he didn’t. Keith spent an entire week off the rocks and in the shack waiting for him to come back. He dealt with the Tug again as it tore relentlessly at his ribs. Lance had calmed it. At night when the world would be silent with the exception of coyotes, Keith would wonder if he had truly imagined Lance. But he had touched him and the uneaten brownies still sat where he put them. Lance had been there, but then he would torture himself over what he had done wrong. Had it been something he had said? Had it been the touch or had Lance seen the craze in his eyes. Keith didn’t know but he hated himself for whatever it was.

Rain poured down the rocks and into his face. His hair was plastered to his forehead, and his chest in dark tendrils. His fingers had to work hard to find grip on the rock, slipping every few seconds. He shouldn’t be doing this, he knew he shouldn’t. But his mind had been loud today and his skin had been crawling, a hunger had growled through him when he heard the thunder. A growl that for the first time in a long time didn’t come from the Tug. So he chased it. Relishing in the fact that it was his own impulsiveness pulling him towards the wet rocks. He had stripped off everything but his pants before making his ascent. His bare toes burned and bleed from the roughness of the stone and how hard he had to grip it. 

He was nearly to the top before he fell. His feet and hands slipped at the same time. His stomach fell as he did. It was almost peaceful until he hit rock again. His arms took the brunt of his body weight as he hit the ledge. He gasped in pain as his arms tore open blood plashing over the rick mixing with the rain. He gingerly pushed himself up on his hands to look at the wounds cutting through his skin. One cut nearly to his elbow the skin hanging loose and shredded. The other was less server. He looked out across the hazy rain filled desert, a sick sense of satisfaction filling him. The desert had finally managed to make him fall.

The tug came back full power, making Keith nauseous. He squeezed his eyes shut groaning at the dizzying sensation.

“ I know, for some reason you don’t want me dead. Well guess what, you are not me. And when the time comes when I either kill myself or get killed there is nothing you can do about it.” The tug seemed to shrink back in resignation an odd fear filling the place where concern and anger once sat. Keith shook his head, now he was talking to the odd energy tugging at him. He stood pushing himself up the rock wall. He had fallen far which he supposed was a good thing. It wasn’t that hard of a climb to get down now.

He hopped the rest of the way down to the ground and limped towards his shack. The blood on his arms had yet to stop running and he was having doubts that it was ever going to stop. He paused when his eyes caught the bike sitting out in front of his shack. Lance’s bike. Keith picked up pace unadulterated excitement filling him. He ran up his porch and threw his door open.

Lance jumped midpace as Keith burst through the door.

“Keith.” He gasped out eyes tracing up and down his body pausing on the blood running down his arms.

“What happened to you?” Keith cleared his throat,

“I-I fell.” Lance was crossing the room to him and reaching for his arm, Keith stepped back before Lance reached him. Lance’s eyes flickered and his face fell. Keith swallowed, and Lance met his eyes.

“Can I look at them?” Keith glanced down at his mutilated arms and held them out. Lance held them gently running his fingers softly over the edges of the wounds.

“Keith, what did you fall off of?” Lance's voice was quiet and full of pain. Keith watched as tan fingers ran over his arms.

“ A rock formation. I fell about eight feet.” Lance flinched and looked up at him, eyes searching his.

“ You could have died, you should be dead. How are you not dead?!” The last part was said in whispered hesterics. Keith could feel Lance trembling his hands gripping Keith’s arms tighter. Keith shrugged.

“I don’t know. I just don’t seem to be able to die. I’ve tried.” Lance’s eyes filled with tears. A single tear slipped free and trailed down his cheek. Keith lifted his hand to wipe it away gently. More gently then anything he had done in a long long time. Lance trailed his hand up to grip Keith’s wrist.

“Why?” The question was so simple but it weighed down on Keith hard.

“ I-I don’t like it here. I feel out of place. I feel dead already.” Lance made a noise that sounded like a dying animal in the back of his throat and dragged Keith into a hug. He cradled Keith’s head in his hand and pushed his face into his shoulder. His breath was ragged against Keith’s ear, wet from tears.

“Please. Please _Keith. Please.”_ He didn’t say anything else, just his name and a simple plea over and over like a prayer. Keith wrapped his throbbing arms around Lance and let himself fall into Lance’s embrace. He didn’t quite understand what Lance was asking him to do, pleading him to do. But he let himself be held let the tug sit peacefully between them. Lance smelled really good, far better then Keith does. His skin and hair were soft against Keith’s rough scar riddled skin. He was almost an entirely different creature from Keith. 

Lance was pulling away and Keith was panicking. He pulled Lance harder against his chest. Lance laughed against his chest.

“ I’m glad you like hugs but your arms are a mess and we need to take care of them.” Keith had forgotten that his arms were ripped open. His blood was probably getting all over Lance. He allowed himself to pull away from Lance and looked back down at his arms. Lance’s hands were back on his arms looking carefully at the dried blood and gouges. Lance sighed at him and gently pushed him over to the couch. Keith sat down heavily on the couch and gathered his hair and threw it over his shoulder. Lance made a noise of disapproval and grabbed his wrists and helped him throw the rest of his hair out of the way.

“ Do you have a first aid kit?” Keith blinked. He had never considered looking for a first aid kit.

“ If I do it’s probably on that box over there.” He nodded towards it with his chin. Lance walked over to it hesitating before he started going through it.Keith watched as he pulled out miscellaneous objects setting them on the floor. Finally he held up an outdated red box with a white cross on the front. He kneeled in front of Keith and silently held out his hand asking for Keith to give him his arm. He whispered apologies as he rubbed a cloth soaked in alcohol over the cut. Keith couldn’t feel anything. He watched Lance work, watched his tongue flick over his lips and his brows crease.

“I didn’t think that you were coming back.” Lance’s frown deepened.

“I didn’t either if I’m being honest with you. School is getting busy, end of the year and all.” Keith nodded. He remembered late nights laying on the floor of Shiro’s room trying to study whilst Shiro went on and on about Adam or the newest modifications made to the ship. He remembered himself groaning at Shiro whilst secretly loving the brotherly feeling that came from it.

He wondered what Adam was doing. How he was doing. Keith wondered if he was missing him. He hadn’t gone looking for Keith and had been there when they had escorted him to the gates. He hadn’t said anything. Keith didn’t really blame him though. He had just lost his fiance who left an angry unstable teenager who seemed to be the only remnant of his existence.

“You okay?” Lance touched his face gently, bringing Keith back to the shack. His arms were wrapped, one in white bandages and the other in brown.

“ I don’t really understand why you are here or care. I don’t really remember you and yet here you are caring for me. Why?”

Lance sighed and sat back on his haunches. His eyes were sad, the blue looking more grey.

“If I told you might never look at me the same again. You might hate me or want me gone.”

Keith thought about this. He had lost so many people in his life, and had been forced onto so many people. They didn’t really want him or care for him, they left or he did. Only one person had willingly come to Keith and kept coming back. That had been Shiro. No matter what Keith had done or how hard he had tried to push him away he came back. Now kneeling in front of him was another person who came willingly. Who seemed to care about him genuinely.

“I don’t think so.” He looked down at Lance right into the pools of his eyes. “ Lance there really is very little that could faze me anymore. I climb rock formations in the rain.”

Lance winced.

“I know and that's what keeps me from telling you.” Lance looked like he wanted to drop the subject which is something Keith understood in the fullest. So he let it drop. Lance joined him on the couch and inquired on what Keith had been eating. Keith shrugged and replied with a shallow, this or that. Lance had made a disbelieving noise in the back of his throat,

“You need to eat Keith. You’re skin and bones.” Lance gestured to Keith’s still bare chest. Keith looked down examining himself. He really was. His skin pulled tight over his ribs and sunk low across his abdomen. He never noticed how thin he really was. Lance brushed his fingers over Keith’s ribs.

“How did you not break anything?” Keith shrugged again. Lance said so many words that Keith found himself losing his own.

“Also why are you always half naked when I come visit you?” Keith grinned a little crookedly at him.

“Why is it always raining when you come visit me?” Lance leaned back against the couch letting his head rest on the top of the cushions.

“I like the rain. It makes me feel right.” Keith nodded and mimicked Lance’s position so they were facing each other. Lance’s eye traced his face.

“ Has anybody ever told you that your eyes are beautiful?” Keith stared at him in wonder and slight confusion.

“No. Why?” Lance laughed at him.

“It was a pick up line. You’re supposed to blush and stammer and hit my chest or something.” Keith sighed and smiled at Lance.

“Oh. Well thank you. Mark me down for blushy and stammery.” Lance made a face at him but laughed along with him.

“ I will admit that one was pretty weak. Not my best game. Thought that it would work on the hermit for sure though. Keith raised his eyebrows at Lance’s gleaming eyes. Lance made him feel a way that horrified and lifted him at the same time. It was as if someone had released a swarm of butterflies in his stomach. He rolled his eyes at the stupid thoughts running through his mind. Even if he put a name to the pounding in his heart and flipping in his stomach, it’s not like Lance would want him. Not him. Nobody should ever want him.

“Why did you come out to this place?” Lance asked. Keith was about to answer when he paused. For the first time in a long time he was feeling okay, and he didn’t want to see the look of hurt on Lance’s face again.

“ Well my dad left it to me.” The house not the storage shed, but he wasn’t going to mention that. “ And I really do love the desert. There’s just something about it.” A strange insistent tug that only calmed in the presence of Lance.

Lance nodded.

“Yeah I didn’t think I would like it very much but it really is beautiful in it’s own strange way. The coyotes though I was not expecting that. I’ve gotten used to them but the first few nights were awful. I was actually really scared.”

The topic of coyotes segwayed into a long conversation about life in the desert. Lance mainly talked, occasionally Lance would pause and ask him a question. Keith would answer short precise answers, he was impatient to get Lance talking again. His voice was soothing and set Keith at ease. The sky went from rainy grey to dark and Lance startled.

“ I should go. It’s getting dark.” Keith’s stomach fell as Lance got up.

“Why don’t you just stay here? It’s Friday you don’t have to go to school tomorrow.” Lance bit his lip.

“Hunk will worry he already didn’t want me to come.” Lance said laughing a little sadly. Keith stood up with him,

“Okay. But will you come back?” He hated the helpless edge to his voice. 

“Of course I’ll come back.” Then he paused, “ But only if you promise to not be so reckless. Please Keith, I.” He looked away, “ I don’t know what I’d do if I came back and you weren’t here.”

Keith nodded his stomach doing flips.

“ Okay. I’ll try.” He walked Lance out to his bike. The rain had stopped leaving behind puddles reflecting moonlight. It would have been a perfect night to climb. Lance mounted his bike and looked back at Keith.

“I’ll try to make it back here sooner, okay?” Keith nodded. Lance smiled at him, “ Take care of yourself okay? I don’t want any blood next time.” Keith nodded and stepped aside as Lance started the bike and it revved to life. He watched the red glow of the tail light for as long as he could.

________________________

Keith worked on his bike the next morning. He threw the tarp off of it flinging water in every direction. He felt his heart pang at the black tail fin and white one. He had been overjoyed when Shiro had given him the racing bike. Now it was a thorn in his heart to look at. A reminder that Shiro was no longer there to drive them off cliffs and give Adam grey hairs.

He had been planning to modify the bike for awhile. It was a little outdated compared to the racing bikes of today. It was a little top heavy and the thrusters either needed modification completely or just some kind of deep clean. The color on the tail was going to have to change Keith decided as he looked it over. He walked around it twice examining the dents on the bottom from the rocky terrain him and Shiro flew over. He ran his fingers under the hood and opened it. The engine was dusty, and coolant still filled the tank. It reminded Keith that he might not have gas. He dipped his fingers into the tank. They came back wet.

He gathered his tools and slid under the bike to work on the undercarriage and engine. He pried of weighty metal and threw it off to the side, exposing the engine fully. He worked a rag over the twisting parts grimacing at the amount of dust coming off of it. He should've taken care of the bike sooner. Even if he just took the time to clean it. He sighed and scooted himself out from under it. It was hot today. The rain from the last few days gone, pushed away by the hot dead desert wind.

He ran an oil stained forearm over his forehead. He looked out towards the horizon. It shimmered with heat waves, making the sky appear to be rippling. The tug stirred in him for the first time since yesterday. It thumped rhythmically with his heart. He brought his palm up pressing it firmly right under his ribs. Let the tug pound, tried to understand it without grief or hatred clouding his mind. He closed his eyes. He felt the desert. The heat, it’s stale breath, the hidden life. Under it though in some dark recess he felt a wash of cool blue. Powerful blue. It reached for him and pulled him wrapped itself around him.

Keith snapped his eyes open. Fear washed over him, and he slammed the door on blue. He didn’t understand it and it scared him. What if he was simply mad? He was trembling as he dropped the rag to the ground and turned around towards the shack. He ran his hands up through his hair tugging it trying to feel real again. He felt drifty and a wave of bone shaking exhaustion washed over him. He was used to his days being full of constant movement and adrenaline. Working on the bike had slammed a wedge against the rhythm he had created for his body.He stumbled back into his house kicking his boots off and collapsing onto his couch. It groaned under the force and squeaked as he moved to find a comfortable position. He threw a blanket over his head and fell asleep, his body humming on and off.

When he opened his eyes he was met with the blue of Lance’s. Fingers carded through his hair and door his neck. He smiled a little sadly when he saw that Keith was awake.

“ You’re back?” Lance nodded.

“I tried to come sooner like you said I didn’t have class today, I got caught up.” Lance brushed his bangs out of his eyes. Keith struggled to sit up and Lance moved back to give him room. The dusty white of his pillow was yellow with sweat and the blanket lay in a puddle on the floor.

Lance bit his lip as he watched him.

“What happened to you?” Keith shrugged looking down at his heaving chest, his hair splattered across it in greasy strands. His hands shook and he felt like vomiting.

“Did you eat anything after I left last night?” Keith shook his head, his vision swimming. He leaned forward heavily and Lance put a hand on his chest.

“Keith? Keith!” Lance was half standing half crouching now running his hands up and down Keith’s back.

“You’re dehydrated.” His voice sounded a mix between worried and relieved. “ Stay here, I have some Gatorade.” and then he was gone leaving Keith to try and not fall over.

Lance was back and pressing a canteen to Keith’s lips. Keith tipped his head back and took a small sip. The liquid was cold and sent a reviving shot through him. Lance continued with the small sips until Keith could take the canteen for himself. Lance sat back on his haunches watching Keith drain the rest of it, he sighed and shook his head.

“I thought I told you to take care of yourself’ That includes eating and drinking.” Keith handed him the canteen back and shrugged.

“ I forget.” That made Lance flinch. He set the canteen on the floor and sat on the couch by Keith.

“ Are you feeling better?” Keith nodded twisting the ends of his hair in his fingers. Sitting in such close proximity reminded him that he smelled like weeks upon weeks of no showers, sweat and motor oil. Lance didn’t seemed to mind as he leaned his head on his shoulder.

“You worry me unlike anything. I’m going to have grey hair.” Keith looked at Lance’s hair. Soft and brown no white or grey in sight. It smelled like something sunny. Not desert sun though. The friendly kind.

“I have half the mind to take you back with me.” Keith flinched. The thought of going back especially now was terrifying.

“Would you?” Lance shrugged head still on his shoulder.

“I know you don’t want to and I can't make you, but you’re killing yourself Keith.”Keith bit his lip. That was kind of the point. He wasn’t going to tell Lance that though. He wanted to see Lance the way he had been yesterday.

“I wasn’t on the rocks.” Lance nodded.

“I know. You’re covered in grease.”

They sat in silence. Lance running his fingers up and down the bandages on Keith’s arms lightly. The sun was going down and Keith’s body still felt heavy and sticky from his fitful sleep. His mouth was dry and his tongue felt two times bigger then it was. Lance wasn’t moving from his position even when Keith had slumped back against the couch, If anything he had gotten closer to him, curling into his side.

Keith closed his eyes and leaned his head against Lance’s. The sun was gone and the desert was silent. Lance sighed against him. Lance made Keith feel different than he ever had. He felt safe and cared for him, every time he looked into Lance’s eyes or watched him smile, his heart flipped and his stomach erupted in butterflies. It scared him, because he was nothing and Lance was everything.

“I wouldn’t mind staying tonight. If you don’t mind. I’m just really tired.” Lance did sound tired and Keith figured part of that was due to him. Of course he was fine with Lance staying the night. It was a long way back and Keith knew he felt uncomfortable every time Lance rode all the way back.

“Okay.” and that was that. When the coyotes started crying Keith gently pushed Lance off of his and got up. He felt dirty. The grease laying heavy on his skin. Lance watched him questioning but seemed to catch on when Keith walked into the kitchen and dug a rag out of one of the cabinets. He had to step outside and go around the back of tha house where the barrel of rainwater sat. He grimaced at it. It wasn’t even a foot from where his head had been when he had been working on the bike.

Lance followed him out and sat on the porch staring up at the massive expanse of stars as Keith cleaned himself. He ran the cloth over his arms and neck. Behind his ears and over his face. He dunked his head after kneading his scalp. He felt a little self conscious with Lance sitting on the porch but ignored him to the best of his ability. He pulled his head back out feeling better the lukewarm water feeling cold compared to the cooling desert. He groaned quietly and used the rest of the water to clean his torso. HE placed the rag on the side of the barrel and pushed his wet hair out of his face, and back against his head. He wouldn’t mind an actual shower if he was being honest with himself.

Lance followed him with his eyes as Keith walked to the small patch of cactus a few yards away and rung his hair into it.

“ Do you not drink that water?” Keith shrugged.

“It takes weeks to fill. Sometimes it doesn’t at all, so I try to use it more for washing than anything. And as you could probably tell that doesn't happen often.” Lance nodded a little absently.

“What do you drink then?” 

“ I have other water stores. I just forgot.” Lance didn’t respond to that and Keith had turned away so he didn’t see if Lance nodded.

They returned to the house and Keith stared at the small couch. He could sleep on the floor he decided as he began to layer the couch with blankets. He hoped that the more He put on the less Lance would be able to feel the springs. Lance sat on the floor and watched he had offered to help but Keith had shot his offer down pretty fast. Keith finished and then laid two blankets on the floor for himself. Lance balked at that.

“ You aren’t seriously going to sleep on the floor are you? You’ll freeze! And it can’t be good for your back.” Keith shrugged it honestly couldn’t be worse than the couch.

“It’s fine. I slept on the rocks one night.” He didn’t mention that he hardly slept in general no matter where he was, or the conditions. Lance shook his head and began to take the blankets off the couch. Keith opened his mouth to protest but Lance shot him a look.

“If you sleep on the floor so do I.” And that was that. Keith watched helplessly as Lance created a bed on the floor incorporating Keith’s two blankets. When he was done he leaned back on his haunches and looked at it in pride. He beamed at Keith who smiled a little tightly back at him. Lance had succeeded in closing the space between them completely, they would be sleeping right next to each other. Keith swallowed and went to the bathroom to change into his pajamas which consisted of the big grey shirt and nothing else. That alone made this situation worse.

Lance was already in the pile of blankets when Keith emerged. He patted the spot beside him.

“Do you have a brush?” Keith had half of a comb and he told Lance so. Lance waved him away.

“ That’ll work go get it.” After he brought it to Lance he spent an hour working out the numerous knocks in Keith’s hair. He apologized constantly and Keith could hear the wince in his voice. It didn’t really hurt that much. The sensation of somebody touching his hair was overpowering it. Keith mused about these new feelings for Lance. He had had crushes before. Had kissed people before. He knew what that felt like even though none of the instances had been necessarily nice. Keith had never felt like this before though. That he knew for certain. The overwhelming feeling of rightness. That Lance was meant to be here. He wondered if half of that was from the tug feeling so content. Keith had actually thought about telling Lance about the odd pull, but if Lance hadn’t been scared away yet, then cementing Keith’s insanity was sure to do it.

Lance leaned around his shoulder.

“ Do you have a hair tie?” Keith opened his eyes and glanced over his other shoulder. Lance had twisted his hair into a braid. Keith took a moment to marvel at how nice his hair actually looked. He shook his head but leaned over to the ball of twine on the floor underneath the couch. He unwrapped a piece and handed it over his shoulder to Lance. Once the braid was tied off Lance threw it over Keith shoulder and laid down so that he was facing him. Keith hesitated fingering the braid before he laid down facing Lance. He smiled at him and scooted closer. Keith let him.

They lay in silence listening to the coyotes cry. Lance brought the blankets closer to himself and Keith watched shivers run up and down his back. The desert cooled quickly after the sun went down and the house cooled even quicker. Keith opened his arm.

“Come here.” Lance did without restraint. He curled against Keith’s chest and breathed warmth against Keith’s neck. He was asleep much sooner than Keith was, but when he finally did sleep, Keith dreamed of falling again. Falling into a sea of swirling blue.

________________________

Lance’s visits began far more often after the first night he spent the night. He would show up at least twice a week. Sometimes he would help Keith work on the bike and other times they’d walk and talk. He stayed more nights and the bed on the floor soon became a permanent fixture. Keith felt more alive then he had in a while, but still he was plagued with bad days.

There were days that Keith couldn’t get up. Weighed down by the grief and memory of losing Shiro and everything else. On days like that Lance would lay wrapped around him and talk. About nothing, about everything. There were days where Keith felt disconnected from himself and would find that he had climbed up the rocks again falling into old habits. On those days Lance would watch helplessly from the ground as Keith fought the voices off by himself, eventually returning to the ground and collapsing.

Lance would bring food on most occasions and Gatorade. Keith had however begun hunting more, he didn’t like it very much though. The desert was already harsh enough, he didn’t like to kill creatures that were attempting to survive just as much as he was. The realization that he was once again trying to survive had him hugging Lance unannounced. Lance had laughed and hugged him back eyes sparkling with real happiness.

Keith decided that his favorite nights were when Lance stayed and he actually slept the whole night through. Waking up to Lance’s blue eyes or sleeping face was something that Keith wanted to do for a long long time. He was going to get better. He was going to finish the bike, get a job, take care of himself. He was going to properly mourn Shiro instead of shoving the fact that he was gone to the back of his mind allowing it to tear him apart at random. He was going to get back in contact with Adam. He was going to become someone worthy of Lance, because he wanted Lance, that he was absolutely sure of.

Keith knew something was wrong the morning he woke up and the tug was pulling against his ribs like it hadn’t in a long long time. It made him groan and stagger out of bed towards the door of his shack. The sun was barely gracing the rock formations and Keith grabbed the rail of his porch to stop from running in the direction of the Garrison. The tug lurched and he did it. Nausea tore through his stomach and his temples pounded. He was wracked with a free and desperation that was not his own. He slid down the railing digging his fingers into the splintering wood. He ground his teeth and swallowed back the bile rising in his throat. He collapsed onto the porch and heaved. He pressed a hand over the place in his ribs where the pull coiled in him.

“What is it?” his voice was ragged and his pulse pounded. He was washed over by a wave of mourning that was so strong and so old that it had tears falling rapidly down his face. This had never happened like this. Never this badly. He felt like dying, like giving up, like nothing mattered. He curled in on his hands coming up to twist into his hair. And then it stopped. Everything just stopped leaving him feeling gutted and empty. Like something had gone through him and wiped him clean. He lay on the porch tears still dripping steadily down his face as he watched the sun rise.

He lay there until the sun began to burn his face and he had no more tears to cry. He drug himself up and turned back into the house. He threw himself onto the mound of blankets on the floor and didn’t move. Even when the wind blew dust into his open door, or a scorpion crawled across the floor, or when the sun went down. When he slept that night, there was a strange absence of blue, there was no ocean to catch him when he fell.

Lance didn’t come the week, or the next, or the next. Or even the one after that. Keith stopped eating entirely and drank barely enough water to keep himself from dying. He climbed rocks everyday. This time he was actively trying to get the tug back. It never came and he felt more lost than ever before. The bike sat unfinished, the mound of blankets on the floor became cold and stale. Keith rarely slept and when he did it was outside or on the bare couch. He had done something to scare Lance off. He didn’t deserve to sleep there anymore. 

Keith was on the couch now. The days had gotten longer and hotter. His skin was red and peeling from the burns it sustained, His lips were dry and cracked to bleeding. He could barely lift his arm and the one that covered his face wasn’t moving. He felt the life slowly draining from him. He was ready to die, had been for so long, and the more he thought about it the more he had come to terms with the fact that Lance was never coming back, and that was fine. It was good to distance yourself from things of little value. Keith closed his eyes. He was so tired, and as darkness fell over him he wished that he could see blue one last time.

_____________________________

Someone was calling his name. Frantically, pleads falling from their lips after every utterance of his name. Cool hands were on his face, his neck lifting it. A cool rim was pressed to his lips and he dimly registered it as water. His throat worked without him and he swallowed the liquid. Hands were running through his hair and something soft was pressing to his cheek.

“Please open your eyes.” Keith wanted to, he wanted to open his eyes. His eyelids shuttered against each other. They were rough and sticky. 

“There you go Keith. There you go.” He cracked his eyelids and it took more effort than he thought it would. Lance was leaning over his tears on his face. Another person stood behind him but Keith really didn’t care who it was at this point. Something stirred in his chest, the tug seemed to come back alive. 

Lance smiled down at him tears still running down his face.

“ There you are. I thought I’d lost you.” Keith almost didn’t believe that Lance was there. He had been gone for so long.

“ Why,”his voice broke and scraped up his throat. Lance turned to the person behind him and the canteen was back on his lips. He swallowed and tried again.

“Why did you l-leave?” Lance stared at him with sad eyes tears running faster. 

“I’m sorry. Keith I’m so sorry.Let me help you and then I’ll explain.” Keith nodded slightly letting his eyes fall shut again.

When he opened his eyes again a wet rag was being run over his skin. He was no longer on the couch and Keith wondered if he was light enough that he could be that easily lifted. It took him awhile to realize that someone was kneading his hair and a fruity scent filled the air. He blinked rapidly feeling a sense of fear over the fact that more than one person was touching him. He strained to see the face of the person that was washing his hair. Lance smiled at him when he met his eyes. His eyes looked darker then normal and bags hung under them. His hands were covered in soap. Keith looked down at his chest. Another pair of dark hands held the rag.

“That’s Hunk. He was here the first time I was here. I don’t know if you remember him.” A face filled Keith’s vision. Warm brown eyes, dark brown hair, a yellow headband. Hunk smiled at him a little warily.

“ Hi. Sorry for being so scared of you. You just…you know.” Keith swallowed and his eyelids fluttered.

“Hunk give him some more water.” The hands and face disappeared. Keith drank the offered water deeply this time when it was offered. Lance took the opportunity to rinse the soap out of Keith’s hair. Keith struggled to sit up but managed it with the help of Lance and Hunk. His hair fell wet and heavy against his back. It felt silky. Hunk stepped back from him, leaving space between them. Lance pressed closer to him.

“I think you might be able to eat something now.” Hunk offered him a piece of jerky that Keith looked uninterested in. He didn’t want to eat it. Lance wrapped an arm around his waist bringing him close to his side. He took the offered price of food.

“You need to eat Keith. Your body is so weak.” Keith knew this but he also knew that if he ate anything right now it would come right back up. The thought of food had his stomach rolling already.

“Please Keith.” Lance sounded close to crying. Keith lifted his arm for the meat. Lance gave it to him and he brought it to his lips. His hand trembled from the effort. He took a tiny bite. It tastes like sawdust, and the texture made Keith shiver uncomfortable, but Lance was smiling at him again so he took another bite. He somehow got through the entire thing. He felt sick and turned weakly away from Lance in case he vomited. Lance held him tighter. The wave passed and he slumped against Lance.

He did feel better and he thought that he would like another piece of it once sure the first wasn’t coming back up. 

“Do you want to go lay down.” Lance murmured the question in his ear. Keith nodded and Lance looked to Hunk. Keith was being lifted and he latched himself onto Lance’s hand. Lance stood so that they were still touching as Hunk carried him over to the blankets on the floor. Keith let himself be lowered and curled onto his side, closing his eyes. Lance talked quietly to Hunk. Keith wanted him here but was ready for him to leave.

The shack went quiet and Keith heard a bike start outside. He let himself sink into the blankets. He wondered if he had died and everything that had just happened wasn’t real. Then the blankets were dipping and warm arms were wrapping around him. Lance sighed into his hair.

"I'm sorry Keith." Keith felt tears fill his eyes. He wasn't entirely sure how. His body was so drained, but frustration and anger filled him. He resented Lance he tried not to but he did. It hurt him that Lance had left without explanation. He turned weakly in Lance's arms. Lance helped him as best he could.

"I don't understand why you left me? What did I do? How did I hurt you?" Lance was crying to but he still wiped the tears from Keith's face.

" What would you do if I kissed you right now? Would you get scared?" Keith blinked at him.

" I would be confused, and wonder if you were sick." His voice was still quiet and weak. Lance closed his eyes and moaned as if in pain.

" Keith why can't you see that you're worth so much? Why can't you see that you're killing me every time I find you like this?" he opened his mouth to continue but Keith cut him off.

" Can't you see that I die every time you're not here? Can't you see, didn't you know that you were keeping me alive?" His voice died towards the end. Lance cupped his face and Keith swallowed. "Can't you see that I want you to kiss me, and can't you see why that's a bad idea? Everyone I love leaves. Always without fail."

Lance squeezed his eyes shut a sob tearing from his throat.

"I did the same thing." The sorrow in his voice was guttural. It sat palpable on the air, suffocating Keith. He curled his hand into Lance's shirt trying to pull him closer in his weakened state. He didn't want Lance to feel that way. He felt that sorrow when the tug abandoned him. It was all encompassing and scarred his heart. Lance trembled and sobbed against him. Keith let him his own tears sliding down his face.

When they both calmed enough to talk Lance brushed Keith's hair away from his face and stroked his cheek. Keith was even more exhausted the little water in his body being depleted.

" You want me to kiss you?" Lance asked quietly. Keith gripped his wrist. 

" Yes.But I also want to know why you left me, I want to know that you're really here. That I'm not imagining this." Lance's brow creases.

" We just spent half an hour crying while clinging to each other. Do you really still think that I'm not here?" Keith didn't bring up the fact that he had spent days in the grip of hallucinations just as ' real'. Keith shuddered against him and Lance brought his face to his chest. He froze and went slack against Lance as his ear was filled with the rhythmic beating of Lance's heart. He closed his eyes and let out a wet sigh. Lance's heart had never been beaten in any of his hallucinations.

“I’m here Keith. And I’m not leaving again.” Lance ran his hands through Keith’s newly clean hair.

“I left for the same reason I want to kiss you.” The hands stilled and were replaced by Lance’s soft lips. They pursed delicately against Keith’s hair. “ I fell in love with you Keith. I am still in love with you.”

Keith wanted to say something to tell Lance that he felt the same terrifying way, but talking or even opening his mouth made his body ache and mind groan just at the thought of it. Lance seemed to deflate a little but continued to talk.

“I thought I’d scare you away, still might scare you away. It’s really hard for me to explain my feelings, or why it scared me so bad. I don’t really know why myself. I’m just so sorry I left you. I shouldn’t have cared if you didn’t love me back, you are my friend and I care so much for you.”

Keith ran a weak tongue over his lips twice trying to moisten them.

“ You should’ve told me. I wouldn’t have gotten scared, I was destroyed when you left. Do you really think that something like you loving me would have me banshing you?” Lance shrugged helplessly against him.

“ I know, but I didn't want you to feel pressure and I hurt to be around you. Do you know how much I wanted to hold you and kiss you and take you away from this horrible dry place, that's slowly killing you.”

Keith didn’t think that even if he left this place physically it would never truly leave it. It was branded into his mind and onto his skin. In scars and deep sunburns. It was sunken into his mind. The dark feelings the hopeless emptiness that matched the desert so well. The ghosts of his dad's house and the blurry memories made there.

“ I-I,”he had to swallow and breathe deeply to keep himself from passing out. Lance stroked his cheek.  
“I was falling in love with you too. Y-you complete me. I-I don’t understand it completely.” Lance opened his mouth again new tears filling his eyes. Keith pressed a hand to his lips silencing him.

“ I know how you feel.” his voice was getting stronger. “ I understand your fear I felt it too, but when you stopped coming it felt like someone had gutted me. Torn everything savagely out of me and left it on the ground.” 

Keith felt like himself relaxing as he told Lance, voiced how he really felt. It was as if a weight was being lifted from his shoulders. The tug was flitting in his chest. Bouncing and rebounding in his heart, but in joy instead of fear or sorrow.

“ You were in love with me?” Lance asked a single tear rolling down his face. Keith wiped it away,

“ I am in love with you.”

______________________

They didn’t share a kiss that night. They slept and Keith woke several times feeling like he was dying. Lance held him and nursed him through the dry heaves and ragged gasps. As the sun rose they lay in an exhausted pile. Keith clung to Lance shivering. It had been a constant battle between blankets or no. 

The sun slanted into the house and across Keith’s back. The sudden warmth made his shiver harder. He was awake now. Lance still slept on most likely exhausted from the fight the night had been. Keith wanted water but his limbs were lead. So he let himself fall back into Lance’s embrace and closed his eyes again. His body didn’t feel like his anymore. He felt detached and broken. It was like his mind and body were two different entities. He came to the conclusion while laying there, that this is what it must be like to be so close to dying. The body and soul coming undone from each other. Lance had saved him from dying. He had glued his soul back to his body and his body knew it wasn’t right.

Lance woke him up next. His blue blue eyes boring into him, a worried frown on his face. It eased when Keith cracked his eyes open. A small smile formed on Lance’s lips.

“ Are you feeling any better?” 

Keith had to think about it for a while. He felt awful, mind and body and his heat still hurt from the heartbreak of Lance leaving him, and returning so unexpectedly. He did however, was very much aware that he was alive and that Lance was there now. He nodded slowly.

“Good. I’m really glad.” Lance was leaning over him on one elbow, a hand on his chest. It occurred to Keith that Lance might have been just as scared as he had been. If he had yearned to feel Keith’s heart beat as well. It comforted Keith and he allowed a small smile on his face. Lance beamed when he saw it.

He started to get up and Keith grabbed his wrist again. A flash of worry overpowering him. Lance gently pried his fingers off. 

“ I’m getting water. I’ll be back soon. I’m not leaving.” Keith watched him cross the room to the bags that were on the floor by the door. Then he was back, a water bottle in his hands. He helped Keith tilt his head up and take long rewarding drinks. Far different from the tiny sips he had been granted the night before. He leaned against Lance’s chest after his drink. Lance held him, simply held him. Let him come back to the planet. Back to his body, his emotions, his soul.

“ Do you still want a kiss?” Lance’s voice was airy with hesitation veiled thinly beneath it.

“ Because I really want to kiss you still. When you said that I complete you, I feel the same way. It’s like something was pulling me to you.” Keith looked up at him.

“ Like a tug? A pull?” Lance hummed and bit his lip looking down at him,

“Not really. More like an overwhelming feeling of rightness.” Keith pushed himself further up Lance’s chest.

“ Yes I still want a kiss.” Lance smiled and pulled him further up. He pressed their lips together softly and gently. Keith sighed into it feeling completely solid for a long long time. Lance pulled him closer, growing confident. The tug flipped in his chest as he pressed it to Lance’s. Lance ran his hands up into Keith’s hair before pulling away. Keith leaned back onto his chest. He still felt lost and hurt and scared, he knew he would still have those days where he thought that anything would be better than being alive; but lance was here now. A grounding presence that reminded him of the good that life could bring. He settled himself in for the ride. The tug changed directions. It pulled him now in a certain direction and when the time was right, Keith would follow it.


End file.
